Skul and Val Meet a Sue
by Coralline Slayer
Summary: Oneshot Sue parody. While on another case, Skulduggery Pleasant and Valkyrie Cain meet someone even worse than Edward Cullen! K  for minor language.


**Hello there, fellow Skuttlebugs! This is my first Skulduggery fanfic (which is strange, because I love Skulduggery!)**

**I've noticed that there aren't many Suefics on here (in a way this is good, as Mary Sues are EVIL!) but there aren't many Sue parodies either. So I'm going to do one. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Skulduggery Pleasant (damn it) and I wish I could say I don't own my parody Sue.**

Skul and Val Meet a Sue

Skulduggery Pleasant and Valkyrie Cain, the best detectives the Sanctuary had ever employed, were busy doing what they did best. Kicking evil very hard in the face. Namely Dusk.

As you can imagine, this was quite easy. In fact, they were just about to finish him off when someone else did it for them. With a giant sparkly cloud.

Dusk somehow had been ripped apart by said sparkly cloud. Skulduggery and his young partner turned around, expecting to see a pissed off Edward Cullen, yet again. They knew that this time Dusk had gone too far with his insults aimed at the Twilight vampires.

But instead they saw something even more terrifying.

"Hi!" said a girl about Valkyrie's age chirpily. She was as tall as Skulduggery and was so thin the author felt the need to insult people with eating disorders. Her hair was a pretentious and poetic colour, as were her eyes, which for some reason kept changing colour and flashing every few seconds. The girl also had pure white wings for reasons unknown.

"Um...who the hell are you?" asked Valkyrie.

"Oh!" the girl swished her floor length hair and smoothed down her badass leather corset. "I'm Sapphire Rainbow-Sparklie Amber Hunter Rose Raven Graceful B'auty Maria Suise Pleasant! But that's just my taken name! My Given Name is..."

"Wait, did you say 'Pleasant'?"

The skeleton detective looked very, very scared. He was slowly reaching for his revolver.

"Yes! You're my father!"

Skulduggery fainted. Valkyrie picked him up, slapped him across the face and frowned at Sapphire.

"But Skulduggery's child was..."

"I know!" Sapphire started bouncing up and down hysterically, her sword. Katana and machine gun bouncing in her belt. "It's really weird! Wherever I go everything in the plotline changes! Only last week I extracted the Renemant out of Tanith!"

Seriously wondering if Sapphire was high, Skulduggery got back on his feet and slapped Valkyrie across the face. He then aimed his revolver between Sapphire's eyes.

"Who are you really?"

"She's my girlfriend!" yelled the unmistakeable English accent of Fletcher Renn.

He teleported into the conversation and had a minute long kiss with Sapphire. Valkyrie and Skulduggery wondered if Fletcher was high too.

"_She's_ the new girlfriend you were telling me about?" Valkyrie said in disbelief.

"Yeah," Fletcher broke off from Sapphire and looked at her. "I've found a better person for me."

"_Better?_ She's ruining the entire series!"

"She can fly planes, throw knifes, do magic no one else can..." Fletcher was ticking off every one of Sapphire's many talents on his fingers as he said them. "She can do karate, boxing, and any other kind of sport, sing, and dance, play the harp..."

"How's playing the harp going to help her in this series?"

"Never mind, it's a smart thing to do! Anyway, she can..."

It was many minutes past midnight when Fletcher finally concluded. "And she can add 1 and 1!"

Everybody who was present, by this time, had all their fingers and toes in the air, including Dusk. Fletcher had even had to put sticks in the ground to count Sapphire's talents.

"Oh and by the way, Val," said Sapphire. "You're not Darquesse anymore!"

"Really?" Valkyrie sighed in relief. "Who is she then?"

"ME!" shrieked Sapphire. She turned into Darquesse, who now looked just as Sueish as Sapphire, but she had more slutty clothes and more potentially illegal weapons!

"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! FACE MY WRATH...!"

"EDWARD!"

Dusk had just got up, fully formed once more. He kept screaming Edward's name.

"EDWARD!"

"Wait!" yelled Skulduggery. "How did you survive getting ripped apart?"

Sapphire conveniently turned back into her normal form to explain. You know, because she's cool like that.

"It's like I said before! All logic and sanity disappear when I'm around! Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to confess to Dusk that it was me who tried to kill him."

"No!" said Fletcher as he grabbed onto Sapphire's ridiculously slim legs. "I cannot live without you!"

"But I'm doing this for you, my beloved!" breathed Sapphire in a cliché manner.

Skulduggery and Valkyrie facepalmed.

"For God's sake, shoot her already!" Valkyrie hissed to Skulduggery. He was happy to oblige.

"No, please, I have a tragic past!-"

BANG!

Sapphire's dead, perfect body fell to the ground, in slow motion. Screaming, Fletcher ran to her.

"No! My beloved!" he knelt by her, sobbing. "I can never love again!"

Grumpily, Skulduggery got out his gun again. "For the love of Landy."

He shot Fletcher too and looked at his partner.

"Now let's go home before their combined love brings them back to life."

Meanwhile, Dusk had run back to his house, still shouting. "EDWARD!"

When he got there, he saw something sparkling by his house. Was it one of those whimsical fairies again?

But when he got closer, it was actually Edward Cullen, sparkling in the artificial light of the streetlamps. He was on a stepladder and chucking toilet paper all over Dusk's house. Dusk looked up at him furiously and Edward stared back at him.

"What?"

The End!

**Happy New Year!**

**-C'S'xxx**


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